Good people can turn good people bad. How this happens is, a well-meaning person, out of love castigates someone for something they did. However, over time, that constant criticism ends up feeling like one is being controlled; then out of retaliation, the one at the receiving end of that criticism becomes defiant: “If I’m serving time, I might as well do the crime”.
This was the case in this Turkish Drama Series, Sins and Roses, I’ve been watching: Ebru Candan, the youngest of three siblings, is always getting in trouble. Generally, she is good, but she feels she is not good enough, especially because her parents seem to hold her sister Zeynep and brother Mustafa, in very high esteem.
In her parents’ eyes, Zeynep is irreproachable; and she (Zeynep), for the most part, has this self-righteous attitude in her interaction with Ebru. Owing to this, Ebru ends up feeling like the black sheep of the family. Everyone criticizes her for every small thing, her parents scold her even for faults that are not hers – some of which are merely unverified allegations.
Ultimately, she gets tired of being blamed for everything. One of the things she’s being accused of, is that she is having an affair with a married man – Cihan Tecer. Already convinced everyone in her family perceives her as a sinner, she decides to go commit the crime, since everyone already assumed, she is doing it.
Consequently, she gets drunk, and pained that no one in her family believes she is capable of being good, she decides to go out with Cihan. Looking at her behaviour, I know she did not choose to do that freely; her family, also good people, had pushed her against a wall, and she had gotten tired of defending herself.
What is manifestly evident is that she is a good woman, and her family, are trying to protect her because she is the youngest, and they love her. Nonetheless, she feels suffocated and cannot wait to just be free. Self-righteousness by supposed good people, is what turns good people bad.
Recently I came across an interesting post on X (formerly twitter), about the afterlife in the Catholic Church; it sent me into deep reflection. Based on the Catholic Catechism, when a person dies, their soul does not die; it merely transitions to the afterlife.
Paragraph 366 of the Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC) states, ‘The Church teaches that every spiritual soul is created immediately by God – it is not “produced” by the parents – and also that it is immortal: it does not perish when it separates from the body at death, and it will be reunited with the body at the final Resurrection’.
After death, judgment is instant. Paragraph 1022 of the CCC states, ‘Each man receives his eternal retribution in his immortal soul at the very moment of his death, in a particular judgment that refers his life to Christ: either entrance into the blessedness of heaven – through a purification or immediately, or immediate and everlasting damnation’.
In that regard, there are three destinations for the soul after death:
Heaven;
Purgatory; or,
Hell.
Heaven
According to Paragraph 1023 of the CCC, ‘Those who die in God’s grace and friendship and are perfectly purified live for ever with Christ. They are like God for ever, for they “see him as He is”, face to face’.
Expounding on that, Paragraph 1024 states, ‘This perfect life with the Most Holy Trinity – this communion of life and love with the Trinity, with the Virgin Mary, the angels and all the blessed – is called “Heaven”. Heaven is the ultimate end and fulfilment of the deepest human longings, the state of supreme, definitive happiness’.
Purgatory
This is to be distinguished from the punishment of the damned. As stated in Paragraph 1030 of the CCC, ‘All who die in God’s grace and friendship, but still imperfectly purified, are indeed assured of their eternal salvation; but after death they undergo purification, so as to achieve the holiness necessary to enter the joy of heaven’.
According to Paragraph 1031, ‘The Church gives the name “Purgatory” to this final purification of the elect, which is entirely different from the punishment of the damned’. It is not a final destination, but a transitional state, where souls are purified for them to be pure enough to get to Heaven.
Hell
For starters, God’s intention is for all of us to go to Heaven. However, because of His great love for us, He gave us all Free Will. What this means is, anyone can choose not to love Him. Therefore, in very simple terms, Hell is God’s love for us manifested, in that He respects our decision to not love Him.
All through our lives, He guides us to do what is right, but He does not impose His Will on us. Ultimately, at the evening of life, when a person dies, they face their judgment. Paragraph 1033 states, ‘We cannot be united with God unless we freely choose to love Him. But we cannot love God if we sin gravely against Him, against our neighbour or against ourselves… Our Lord warns us that we shall be separated from Him if we fail to meet the serious needs of the poor and the little ones who are His brethren.
To die in mortal sin (grave violation of God’s law, committed in full knowledge and deliberate consent) without repenting and accepting God’s merciful love means remaining separated from Him for ever by our own free choice. This state of definitive self-exclusion from communion with God and the blessed is called “Hell”’.
Paragraph 1035 further states, ‘The teachings of the Church affirm the existence of hell, and its eternity. Immediately after death, the souls of those who die in a state of mortal sin descend into hell, where they suffer the punishments of hell, “eternal fire”. The chief punishment of hell is eternal separation from God, in whom alone man can possess the life and happiness for which he was created, and for which he longs’.
In view of the above, we are all invited to make decisions, guided by the irrefutable truth about our souls’ immortality. In Luke 13:22-30, Jesus encourages us to strive to enter through the narrow door.
He says, “Make every effort to enter through the narrow door, because many, I tell you, will try to enter and will not be able to. Once the owner of the house gets up and closes the door, you will stand outside knocking and pleading, ‘Sir, open the door for us’. But He will answer, ‘I don’t know you or where you come from’”.
The time human beings have to choose eternal life ends upon one’s death. William Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage”. Question is, when the curtains come down, where do we head?
According to Paragraph 1013 of the CCC, ‘Death is the end of man’s earthly pilgrimage, of the time of grace and mercy which God offers him so as to work out his earthly life in keeping with the divine plan, and to decide his ultimate destiny. When “the single course of our earthly life” is completed, we shall not return to other earthly lives: “It is appointed for men to die once”. There is no “reincarnation” after death’.
Paragraph 1021 states, ‘Death puts an end to human life as the time open, to either accepting or rejecting the divine grace manifested in Christ’. The implication of this is, we get to choose our final destination – Heaven or Hell – when we are alive. Once we die, we are subjected to God’s judgment.
It is worth noting that, ‘God predestines no one to go to hell; for this, a wilful turning away from God (a mortal sin) is necessary, and persistence in it until the end’. This is stated in Paragraph 1037. Consequently, the onus to choose eternal life or death, is on each one of us.
When you extend kindness to other people, why do you do it? Is it because you feel good doing nice things to others? Or is it because you hope to get some form of reward? This kind of introspection helps us see ourselves for who we truly are. So many times I’ve heard, ‘you can lie to everyone, but you cannot lie to yourself’. In that regard, only we know our true intentions; and God of course. He judges us by our heart’s intentions:
‘For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow, it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom we must give account’.
This past Sunday’s 1st Reading prompted this thinking.
In 2 Kings 4: 8-17, Prophet Elisha meets a well-to-do Shunammite woman, who urges him to stay for a meal. So whenever he went to Shunem, he stopped there to eat. One day the woman tells her husband, “I know that this man who often comes our way is a holy man of God. Let’s make a small room on the roof and put in it a bed and a table, a chair and a lamp for him. Then he can stay there whenever he comes to us”.
At that point, the Shunammite woman offers this with no ulterior motive; with no expectation of being rewarded. God sees her kind heart. One day Elisha sends his servant Gehazi to call her, further instructing him to ask her, “You have gone to all this trouble for us. Now what can be done for you? Can we speak on your behalf to the King, or the Commander of the army?”
She replies, “I have a home among my own people”.
Still desirous of rewarding her kindness, Elisha enquires from his servant Gehazi, what can be done for her. To which Gehazi responds, “She has no son, and her husband is old”.
Elisha calls for her again, and he tells her, “About this time next year, you will hold a son in your arms”. True to his word, the woman became pregnant, and the next year she gave birth.
In today’s world, if we encountered a Prophet of God, we might be similarly hospitable to him, but this is where our intentions would differ from the Shunammite woman’s. She did it out of the goodness of her heart, but in our case, someone would be waiting to milk that opportunity dry.
The danger with this type of approach is that if someone is kind to others because they are expecting some form of reward, they won’t be kind for long, owing to disappointment. This means, that type of kindness is transactional, and it goes out the window the instant someone feels they are not benefitting in any way. How beautiful it would be, if we would be kind to others without waiting for anything in return.
Some people have argued that transactional kindness is tantamount to doing a business, and this is not the kindness Jesus advocates for. In Matthew 7:12, Jesus says, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets“. This is termed, ‘The Golden Rule‘.
Additionally, in Matthew 25: 31-46, He gives the Parable of the Sheep and the Goats (Whatever you did to the least of one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me), which is the criteria He will use on judgment day, to separate the righteous from the damned.
It’s that time of the year again, when this baby (Blog) turns a year older. Funny thing is, this year I almost forgot. Then something interesting happened. Last night I was very tired, so after having my dinner, I thought I’d take some time to respond to messages I’d not had time to read during the day.
Since I figured that wouldn’t take much time, I just sat on my bed. I scrolled through the messages, feeling my eyelids getting heavier with sleep. Before long I started dozing… I couldn’t risk sending gibberish, so I decided to put the phone down. At around 3.30am, I woke up. I reached for my phone to check the time, and that’s when I saw the date, 8 May.
I knew what day and date it was, but up until that time, it was just another Friday. However, as I looked at that date, realization hit me… there was something special about the date… but I couldn’t tell what. So I continued starring at my phone intently, trying to figure out what event I had forgotten. That’s when it occurred to me… it was my blog’s 13th anniversary!
I felt a little guilty for almost forgetting, but knowing how hectic my life has been these past couple of months, I forgave myself. So here we are, still going strong, 13 years since I shared my first post. Weirdly, it almost feels like it was just yesterday since… and yet, so many life-changing events have happened with the passage of time.
I know I don’t post as much as I used to when I started… not because I’m no longer passionate about writing, but because I have very pressing deadlines that leave me very little time to indulge my hobbies.
Nonetheless, I am profoundly grateful to all of you, my readers, who still give me reason to keep posting. Thank you for finding time to stop by. Thank you, from the depths of my heart. As I celebrate another year of blogging, I celebrate you all as well.
This past Sunday was the Fourth Sunday of Easter, celebrated as the Good Shepherd Sunday. In John 10:11-14, Jesus says:
“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired hand is not the shepherd and does not own the sheep. So, when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. The man runs away because he is a hired”. These words were said by Jesus in John 10:11-14).
Jesus, as the good shepherd, laid down His life for His sheep. He was the Paschal Lamb, whose death was the ultimate sacrifice, which accomplished the redemption of man. In John 1:29, John identifies Jesus as the “Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world”.
In Psalms 23, we sing, “The Lord is my shepherd, there is nothing I shall want”. The hymn summarizes the role of Jesus Christ in the lives of all those who embrace Him as their shepherd:
“He makes me lie down in green pastures…;
He refreshes my soul;
He guides me along the right paths for His name’s sake;
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for you are with me…;
You prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows;
Surely your goodness and love will follow me, all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever”.
The Good Shepherd Sunday is also known as Vocations Sunday, marked as the World Day of Prayer for Vocations. On this day, while appreciating all vocations, the Church focuses more on vocation to the Priesthood and to consecrated life.
It is intended to publicly fulfil the Lord’s instructions in Matthew 9:37-38, “The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into His harvest field”.
It is not coincidental that we celebrate Vocations Sunday on Good Shepherd Sunday. Romans 12:4-8 says, “For just as each one of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.
We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully”.
Consequently, as members of Christ’s body – the Church, we are all invited to share in His shepherding mission, through our respective vocations. How do we know how to serve? Each one of us is called to be a good shepherd in their vocation. For instance, if in marriage, spouses are invited to be faithful, and loving.
Their bond should signify Christ’s presence; admonishing lovingly, instead of scolding each other maliciously, with the sole purpose of hurting the other person. Parents are also called to nurture their children with utmost care and love, guiding them through life.
The idea in a nutshell, is to live one’s vocation as a good shepherd. What does this entail? Embodying the qualities of love, care, protection and humility, and making necessary sacrifices for the benefit of the flock placed under our care.
Ash Wednesday, on February 18th, marked the beginning of Lent; a 40-day period of Prayer, Fasting, and Almsgiving, as highlighted in the previous post. This solemn period ends on the evening of Holy Thursday, when we commemorate the Lord’s Last Supper with His disciples.
This past Sunday was Palm Sunday of the Lord’s Passion, which ushered us into the Holy week, as it marks the triumphant entry of our Lord Jesus Christ into Jerusalem, days before His crucifixion and death at Calvary. It is the Sunday before Easter, and it is a day that is full of symbolism, contrast, and profound spiritual meaning attached.
For starters, the day’s liturgical colour is red, which symbolizes the blood Jesus shed during His Passion. That right there, is the first contrast. The liturgy begins with the joyful commemoration of His jubilant entry, and as His followers, we wave palm branches in the air, singing Hosanna; yet, the colour red is used in solemn anticipation of His imminent Passion.
The readings are markedly different, in the sense that we start off with the Gospel, which is usually the last (after the First Reading, the Responsorial Psalm, the Second Reading, and the Gospel Acclamation). At the procession with Palms, the Gospel is read out, and we are told of how Jesus comes into Jerusalem as King (Matthew 21: 1-11):
A very large crowd spread their cloaks on the road, while others cut branches from the trees and spread them on the road. The crowds that went ahead of Him and those that followed shouted, “Hosanna to the Son of David!”
“Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord!”
“Hosanna in the highest heaven!”
After the Gospel Acclamation, we hear the second Gospel (the solemn narration of the Lord’s Passion, from Matthew 26:14 – 27:66). Unlike the first Gospel which highlights His jubilant reception by the People, the second Gospel, prepares the faithful for the events that transpire during the Holy week, culminating in the Lord’s death. This contrast highlights people’s fickleness; first they welcome Jesus as King, then they reject Him, choosing Barabbas, a common thief, over Him (Matthew 27: 11-26):
At that time, they had a well-known prisoner whose name was Jesus Barabbas. So, when the crowd gathered, Pilate asked them, “Which one do you want me to release to you: Jesus Barabbas, or Jesus who is called the messiah?” For he knew it was out of self-interest that they had handed Jesus over to him.
… But the chief priests and the elders persuaded the crowd to ask for Barabbas and to have Jesus executed.
“Which of the two do you want me to release to you?” Asked the governor.
“Barabbas,” they answered.
“What shall I do then, with Jesus who is called the Messiah?” Pilate asked.
They all answered, “Crucify him!”
“Why? What crime has he committed?” Asked Pilate.
But they shouted all the more, “Crucify Him!”
This narration of the Passion of Christ in an invitation to us, to examine our own lives. As Pope Francis once asked in 2014 during Celebration of Palm Sunday Mass at St. Peter’s Square (29th World Youth Day),
“Who am I before my Lord?”
“Am I ready to express my joy, to praise Him, or do I stand back?”
“Who am I, before my suffering Jesus?”
“Am I like the group of leaders, some priests, the Pharisees, the teachers of the law, who had decided to kill Jesus?”
“Am I like Judas, who betrayed Jesus for thirty pieces of silver?”
“Am I like the disciples who fell asleep while the Lord was suffering?”
“Am I like Pilate? When I see that the situation is difficult, do I wash my hands and dodge the responsibility?”
“Am I like the crowd…?” For them it was more entertaining to humiliate Jesus”.
“Am I like the soldiers, who strike the Lord, spit on Him, insult Him, who find it more entertaining to humiliate Him?”
“Am I like the Cyrenian, who was returning from work, weary, yet was good enough to help the Lord carry His Cross?”
“Am I like those who walked by the Cross and mocked Jesus… ‘He was so courageous! Let him come down from the cross and then we will believe him’?”.
“Am I like those fearless women, and like the Mother of Jesus, who were there and who suffered in silence?”
“Am I like Joseph (of Arimathea), the hidden disciple, who lovingly carries the body of Jesus to give it burial?”
“Am I like the two Marys (Mary Magdalene, and Mary the mother of James and Joseph), who remained at the Tomb, weeping and praying?”
“Am I like those leaders, who went the next day to Pilate and said, ‘Look, this man said that he was going to rise again. We cannot let another fraud take place!’ Who block life, who block the tomb, in order to maintain doctrine, lest life come forth?”
“Where is my heart?Which of these persons am I like?”
May these questions remain with us throughout this Holy week, as we journey with Christ on His path to Calvary; His death on the Cross, and His ultimate resurrection on Easter Sunday.
“I didn’t have a choice”. How many times have we used/heard this ‘excuse’? Interestingly, we use it when the outcome of the particular decision we had to make (the one ‘imposed’ on us), is not very favourable; either to us, or those close to us. Question is, in the instances we make unfavourable decisions because we felt ‘we did not have a choice’, if we went back in time, would we make a different choice/decision?
A few years ago when I was undertaking my undergraduate studies, one of my lecturers addressed this issue. To illustrate, she asked four ladies to walk to the front of the class and line up facing the rest of us. Then, she invited four gentlemen to walk to the front of the class as well, and their task was easy; each guy was supposed to pick a lady.
Guy 1 had four ladies to choose from; guy 2 had three ladies to choose from; and, guy 3 had two ladies to choose from. However, for guy 4, his choice had already been made for him; because with one lady left standing, he did not have much of a choice to make.
The lecturer turned to the rest of us and asked, “Does this man have a choice?” Some students answered, yes; but majority answered, no. The lecturer sought to understand from different students, why they said yes, or no. For the ones who said no, their reasoning was, the four men had been instructed to pick one lady, and having been the last one, guy 4’s choice had been inadvertently made by guys 1, 2, and 3.
On the other hand, the ones who said he had a choice to make, argued that he did not have to take the remaining lady if he had any reservations about it. The lecturer asked, “If he does not take her, he has to contend with being alone, right?”
“Yes”, we nodded.
“That, for most people would mean, walking away empty handed”, she emphasized. “How many would agree to walk away with nothing?” I suppose it is that reasoning that makes us settle for less, when we feel we do not have much of a choice. Thing is, this life is all about making choices.
Two weeks ago, 0n the Sunday before Ash Wednesday (6th Sunday in Ordinary time), the readings in Church were all about making choices.
Sirach 15: 15 – 20:
“If you will, you can keep the Commandments,
And to act faithfully is a matter of your own choice.
He has placed before you fire and water:
Stretch out your hand for whichever you wish.
Before a man are life and death,
And whichever he chooses will be given to him.
For great is the wisdom of the Lord,
He is mighty in power and sees everything;
His eyes are on those who fear Him,
And He Knows every human action.
He has not commanded anyone to be wicked,
And He has not given anyone permission to sin.”
In life we are constantly making choices: big… small… Question is, do these decisions we make guide us to Christ, or away from Him? As we have seen, in the readings above, “He has placed before you fire and water: Stretch out your hand for whichever you wish”.
God has given us Free Will, to choose whatever we want. At the same time, He has given us the gift of discernment, to choose that which brings us eternal life, not death. For those who choose wickedness, we are told, “He has not commanded anyone to be wicked”.
On the other hand, in Psalms 119: 1 -3, we are told:
“Blessed are those whose ways are blameless,
who walk according to the way of the Lord.
Blessed are those who keep His statutes,
And seek Him with all their heart – they do
no wrong, but follow His ways”.
I found these readings very insightful, especially noting that Lent began last week Wednesday, and this forty-day Lenten period focuses on introspection: from dust we came, and to dust we shall return; and, repentance. That means, whatever we do here on earth, the choices we make, determine if in the end we will have chosen eternal life, or eternal damnation.
The three pillars of Lent are: Prayer, which strengthens our relationship with God; Fasting, which entails foregoing things we love (not just food), to help us detach from worldly comforts & desires, and giving up bad habits as well (think, Jesus’ teaching about the Narrow door – Luke 13: 22 – 30); and Almsgiving, which entails helping those in need. One may wonder what helping the needy is meant to achieve?
In Matthew 25: 31 – 46, Jesus gives us the criteria He will use on Judgment day to decide who goes to Heaven, and who goes to Hell (eternal punishment): “For I was hungry, and you gave me something to eat. I was thirsty, and you gave me something to drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me in. I needed clothes, and you clothed me. I was sick, and you looked after me. I was in prison, and you came to visit me… Whatever you did to the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me”.
On Ash Wednesday, as the ashes are imposed on our foreheads, we are told, “Repent and believe in the Gospel”. This is an invitation to respond to Jesus’ call to discipleship: to deny ourselves, take up our crosses and follow Him; and this will ultimately transform us, so that we become more like Him.
This Lenten season, we are invited to make intentional decisions that lead us closer to God.
Reflection:
The things you have planned out for this coming week, are they leading you closer to God, or further from Him?
Now that is where religion comes in. Once someone has preserved themselves for marriage, like in my friend’s case – she married her first love when she was so young – and they have made their vows before God, to love each other till death, how should one proceed in such a case?
From a lawyer’s perspective, the solution to me is relatively easy. Divorce! The challenge is, I know in actual sense, divorce does not fix the problem, especially where two people have been together for very many years, and taking into consideration the grim fact that a civil divorce in her case, might not bring with it the option of remarrying.
Reason being, from the Church’s perspective her marriage might be considered valid (arguably), and the challenges she now faces were not exactly present at the beginning. Owing to that, their marriage might not qualify for a Catholic Declaration of Nullity (Annulment), which as I’ve mentioned before, allows divorced Catholics to remarry.
“The way I see it, your options are limited”, I told her. “Confront him and understand how this came to be, then work things out, or subsequently divorce him if the truth is too hard for you to bear”.
She looked at me, and in a tone that was awash with dejection, she replied, “I cannot divorce him”.
“Why?” I enquired.
“I have been with him for very many years”. That statement, while not disclosing the specifics, let on much. It was the intense fear of a woman who has been married her entire adult life, and who would not know where to begin if she had to make that tough decision to get a divorce and start again (If that option is available in the first place).
Seeing as she is now old (relatively), would that entail her diving into dating all over again? Or would she forego consortium and opt for solitude? Whatever the case, her Catholic faith would inform her decision.
Nonetheless, the one thing that seemed to be an issue, albeit implied, was the satisfaction of her sexual needs. That left me wondering, when a person is married, and the one person who should satisfy their sexual needs does not cater to those needs, what options do they have?
From a religious perspective, while the Catholic Church does not explicitly forbid use of sex toys, it emphasizes that sexual acts (which are strictly between married couples), should be both unitive (deepen couple’s bond) and for procreation (hence the restriction on contraceptives).
The reasoning given (by many theologians) for this is that use of sex toys might to a large extent be inspired by pornography, and it may easily lead to objectification of the body, reducing one to a means of sexual gratification. Owing to that, use of sex toys is considered ‘unnatural’.
Paragraph 2351 of the Catholic Catechism provides, “Lust is disordered desire for or inordinate enjoyment of sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes”.
Paragraph 2352 provides, “By masturbation is to be understood the deliberate stimulation of the genital organs in order to derive sexual pleasure. ‘Both the Magisterium of the Church, in the course of a constant tradition, and the moral sense of the faithful have been in no doubt and have firmly maintained that masturbation is an intrinsically and gravely disordered action’… For here sexual pleasure is sought outside of ‘the sexual relationship which is demanded by the moral order and in which the total meaning of mutual self-giving and human procreation in the context of true love is achieved’”.
These paragraphs are two of six provisions, which list offenses against chastity. They expound on the Sixth Commandment, ‘Do not commit adultery’ (Paragraphs 2331 – 2400 of the Catholic Catechism).
Based on the provisions above, what options (Religious) does a married person, whose spouse neglects, or is unable to meet their sexual needs (for instance due to infirmity) have? Worse still, when the predicament they find themselves in, is not for any fault on their part.
Life entails making choices, with some relatively easy and others extremely conflicting. It’s even more conflicting when Religion is at the centre of that decision-making. Thinking about it, I fully understand why Jesus in His teachings (Luke 13: 22 -30) encourages us to strive to enter through the narrow door. Doing the right thing is difficult!
Recently, I got a chance to discuss matters marriage with a friend. Interestingly, the turn that conversation took, was one I would never have anticipated, even in a million years. That happened two weeks ago, and up to now, I’m still conflicted about the right advice to give, in the circumstances.
For starters, when growing up in a religious family, a child is taught several things with regard to relationships, with the key one being: sex, is a preserve of married couples. If you are Catholic, there’s usually an extra scoop of that advice: marriage is till death.
I have discussed previously, how civil divorces for Catholic couples do not necessarily mean the divorcees can automatically remarry; there is another whole process of getting a Declaration of Nullity (Annulment), without which one cannot remarry in the Catholic Church; and even so, it is worth noting that not all marriages qualify for a Declaration of Nullity.
Now here’s my friend’s dilemma: she was raised Catholic, and grew up as a staunch Catholic. When she came of age, she met the love of her life, and their union was solemnized in a Catholic Church. Decades later, she inadvertently bumps into evidence that points to one serious issue; that her legally wedded husband is gay.
For years, she had suspected the husband was seeing other women outside of their marriage, but there was nothing to prove it. Hers was just a hunch. Sadly, a conversation she had with one of her friends, a cab driver, gave her the impression her husband is gay. At first she was in denial.
Nonetheless, since then, the more neighbours she talks with, the more she is getting convinced her husband is gay. Reason being, while no one is saying it expressly, they all seem to be prevaricating, yet giving sentiments that are in consonance with the fact that her husband is hanging out with men, doing ‘despicable’ things.
For a deeply religious woman, that kind of information is damaging! It shatters trust, and in this case, seeing as she was already suspecting he was seeing other women, this comes as a ‘worst-case’ confirmation. According to her, it would have been better if he was cheating on her with fellow women.
“I wish it was women he was seeing”, she sighed, dejection palpable in her voice. She had always dreaded the thought of him cheating on her, but with the current turn of events, she finds that a less bitter pill to swallow; painful and heart-breaking as it would be.
“It’s a different kind of pain when I imagine him with other men”, she confessed. As I listened to her pouring her heart out, I could see the pain in her eyes; and the pain of betrayal in her soft voice was unmistakable. The man she has known, and lived with for close to four decades, has been cheating on her, and contrary to what she had been suspecting over the years, it was not with women, but with men.
Given the circumstances, what options does she have?
Family, we have heard over time, is ‘The basic unit of society’. What does this mean? Ideally, new life is created within a family: a baby is born, nurtured, and values (good or bad) instilled in them, and personalities formed; and ultimately, the person being released out into the world is the product of the family.
Hence the common saying, ‘Charity begins at home’. If for instance, a child does not learn how to be generous at home, they might have a problem being generous outside the home, until they are exposed to circumstances which prompt them to be generous.
In my case for instance, I grew up watching my parents fight and insult each other, so in my infantile mind, I thought fighting was the only way to resolve conflict. It wasn’t until I got to high school that I realized, dialogue was a much better alternative. Now I revel in ‘Communication is key’.
Granted, I have also realized communication does not always work. It only does, when the parties concerned are willing to talk things out and find actual solutions. In the absence of that ‘willingness’, communication becomes another time-wasting exercise, where people just talk (argue) back and forth, until they give up and abandon the mission (in pursuit of peace).
So back to matters family… The way I see it, one’s family can either make them or break them, because the truth of the matter is, not all families function as a support system. This past Sunday we were celebrating the Feast of the Holy Family (The family of Jesus, Mary and Joseph). The Feast is a continuation of the Christmas celebrations, as it falls within the Octave of Christmas, which starts on Christmas day (25th December) and culminates with the Solemnity of the Mother of God (1st January).
Consequently, the readings were centred around family:
1st Reading: Sirach 3:2-6, 12-14, which expounds on the Fourth Commandment: Honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land which the Lord your God gives you. This, as one may note, is the only Commandment with a promise (of long life) attached.
2nd Reading: Colossians 3:12-21, which enumerates the virtues family members should embrace:
In verses 12-17, St. Paul lists the virtues:
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive, as the Lord forgave you.
And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.
Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.
And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him”.
ii. In verses 18-21, St. Paul gives instructions for Christian households:
“Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as fitting in the Lord.
Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
And since respect is earned, “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged”.
The Gospel reading was from Matthew 2:13-15, on the Holy Family’s escape to Egypt: “When they (Magi) had gone, an Angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. ‘Get up’, he said, ‘take the Child and His Mother and escape to Egypt. Stay there until I tell you, for Herod is going to search for the child to kill Him’.
So, he got up, took the child and His Mother during the night and left for Egypt, where he stayed until the death of Herod”; and,
Matthew 19-23, on the Holy Family’s Return to Nazareth: “After Herod died, an Angel of the Lord appeared in a dream to Joseph in Egypt and said, ‘Get up, take the Child and His Mother and go to the land of Israel, for those who were trying to take the Child’s life are dead’. So, he got up, took the Child and His Mother and went to the land of Israel”.
St. Joseph’s story teaches us the significance of silent obedience. He married Mary, fully cognisant of the fact that she was with child, and he was not the father. His was complete faith and trust in God. Interestingly, there is no documentation of his words in the Bible, but his actions speak volumes. Thus, the Holy Family is the model of all the virtues necessary for human growth.
Ideally, if family members endeavoured to live virtuous lives as recommended in the readings above, many issues experienced in the society would be curtailed. Pragmatically, given our human weaknesses, it is impossible to reach that level of perfection. However, we are called to ponder over the dynamics of the Holy Family, and to draw inspiration from it on how to navigate our own families’ dynamics.
With Year 2025 drawing to a close, I wish you a very Happy New Year 2026! May it be a year full of God’s blessings.
alygeorges 