Oddly, he didn’t text or call, and I started getting anxious. I knew I shouldn’t because he probably had a good reason why he didn’t notify me he’d gotten home, but the problem with my mind is that when I start freaking out I’m usually unable to calm myself down until whatever it is that’s making me anxious is resolved.
Since I didn’t want to think too much about it, I took this novel I’ve been reading and continued reading it. I hoped it would distract me and while it did, I could still feel my breaths getting short as the anxiety worked me up. As I’ve been sleeping late talking/chatting with him, and I had to wake up early Sunday morning to attend mass, I decided to seize the moment and go to bed early.
By then I was feeling disappointed, that he had just bailed on me. Wounded, I reminded myself why I don’t like being in relationships; they open me up, leaving me vulnerable to disappointment, and that disappointment triggers my anxiety. I got into bed at around 1.15am Sunday, but just before I lied down, I thought I should check my phone since it had been on silent mode for a while.
I found a couple of texts, where he was apologising for bailing on me. He sounded sincere, and I hated myself for being too quick to judge him. He’d been in some crisis meeting all day to discuss his restaurant’s finances and as he’d skipped lunch, he’d gotten a serious migraine. So when he’d gotten home he’d taken some painkillers and had fallen asleep on his covers.
Seeing as he had not had supper, we texted as he ate and as such, we stopped texting at around 4.40 am. By then my anxiety had subsided and I was even feeling happy. On Sunday we spent a lot of time texting, but I realised something had changed. All my excitement had dissipated, and I was awash with this intense anxiety, which made me feel like I was waiting to sit an exam or something. I was even feeling nauseous.
I was not eager to talk to him anymore, yet his texts exuded this profound warmth. I just found myself dreading to talk to him anymore, and I took a moment to analyse the situation, so I could figure out what was wrong. From my analysis I established a few things: firstly, I like him a lot, and based on the vibes I’ve picked from talking with him, he likes me a lot as well.
Secondly, since I’ve known him for three years now, I’ve figured a lot about him and I’m pretty much ok with who he is, in terms of character and all. Therefore, in the event we decide to get into a relationship, I wouldn’t mind being with him for the long haul. In short, I’m ok with who he is.
Thirdly, I feel I have been disappointed too many times by guys I’ve tried dating; and, that fear of abandonment that subjects me to heartache is what I’m afraid of. So while I like this guy a lot, I’m afraid of him breaking my heart in future, and that’s what’s making me miserable.
Disturbed by the third aspect of my analysis, I Googled ‘relationship anxiety’ to see if there was such a thing; and to my disbelief, it is actually a medical condition. Reading about it made me cry. Everyone hopes to find love somehow, and in rare moments someone nice comes along… but for a few unlucky persons like me, we are unable to embrace that person, and the love they’re offering, because some screwed up part of our minds fills us with this overwhelming fear of all the things that could possibly go wrong in future.
I’ve been sad the whole day, trying to figure out if I should just avoid relationships completely, so I can have peace of mind. My frustration is that this guy is all kinds of sweet… he hasn’t done anything to make me doubt him, yet my fear of him disappointing me in future is already screwing up my mind, to the extent that I feel it would be better to avoid him. That way I will not get attached to him; and that way, he can’t hurt me. Problem is, in my attempt to push him away I might be the one hurting him because I can tell he already likes me.
Before last night, I thought relationships cause me anxiety because of some certain aspects I might not like about someone, seeing as I have one-too-many pet peeves. However, me knowing this particular guy is as kind and awesome as they come has made me realize, that I am the one standing in the way of my own happiness; and the worst part is, I don’t know how to help it.