Tag Archives: women empowerment

Wife battering; a sign of love?

battered women

Is there any woman out there who gets battered by her husband/partner and is under the impression the reason he does it is because he loves her? The other day I was listening to this very odd conversation on the radio, where some women were contentedly saying that they do get beaten by their husbands because they love them; what’s more, they said they would totally freak out if their husbands stopped battering them because that would mean they don’t love them anymore and are cheating on them.

I’m not really a relationship guru but isn’t it the other way round? In my opinion, a man doesn’t beat the woman he loves; in any case, he will start beating the one he has when he finds another one who he desires to please and finds his wife/partner a hindrance.

I’m not saying this because I’m married, but because I’ve seen dad act violently towards mom and there is no part of me that’s convinced he did it because of all the love he has in his heart for her. I have never had any evidence of dad cheating on mom, but I remember when I was a kid, some women who were mom’s friends at the time kept telling her the reason he stayed out so late was because he was seeing other women.

I can’t say if it was true or false, but I remember the time those rumours were going round, was when he was so violent. It couldn’t have been a coincidence. From my own understanding of love, one doesn’t hurt a person they love.

We interpret different actions differently, but one thing I have difficulty wrapping my head around is the idea of being beaten by a guy as a sign of love. As a result of the domestic violence I’ve witnessed in my family, I feel I would walk out of a relationship the instant I sense the guy I’m with has violent tendencies.

What people need to understand is the fact that domestic violence (because that is what it is) doesn’t just affect the parents but the children too. A woman might interpret battering as a sign of love but the children interpret it pretty badly.

Once, my aunt told mom, she was so furious with my cousin and as a result she slapped her hard. My cousin’s daughter, who was watching got so annoyed and started hitting her-my aunt-with her tiny flip-flop, asking her to stop hurting her mom.

From the way I understood it, my cousin, who lives in her mom’s house together with her daughter had been coming home late when everyone else was asleep. Her mom tried talking to her about it before, but apparently she wouldn’t listen.

Furious that my cousin wasn’t behaving right, my aunt slapped her. From that, one would reason she was doing what was right for both her daughter and her granddaughter. The four year old girl however, felt her mom was being hurt and went to defend her.

My aunt justifiably did that for love, but did the little girl interpret it as love? That is the same way I feel about men beating their wives. Maybe they feel they have all the reasons in the world to do it, but I don’t interpret it that way. When a man decides to hit a woman, it never comes out as love; at least not to me. And I believe any man who truly loves his wife would totally back me up on this one.

Hitting doesn’t signify love. It’s just one way of demeaning women. The way I see it, under no circumstances should a woman feel her man hit her because he loves her. It just doesn’t make sense.

Lately when I go to get my hair done, there’s this lady I see. She’s a beautiful woman, who runs her own salon nearby. Everytime I see her she’s always in dark sunglasses, even when it’s not sunny. Last Sunday though, I saw her without them on and she had a huge black eye. Based on what I heard from some chatty hairdressers, she was beaten by her husband. No one can convince me that was love.

How does a man who claims to love his woman give her a black eye? An evident sign of battering. This is just one example of battered women; I have atleast a dozen of them, and none of them convinces me wife battering is a sign of love.

If battering was a sign of love, why would victims try to conceal scars under layers of makeup, with some saying they fell in the shower or they ran into a door…etc.? Last I checked, when a woman receives flowers from a guy she loves, she proudly shows them off to friends.

Honestly, if a girlfriend walked up to me and proudly showed me some finger imprints on her cheek where her man hit her, I would be tempted to think she is into BDSM or something of the sought (which is an entirely different thing).

Is there any woman who would honestly want to walk around with a bruised face, or scars hidden under layers of clothing, knowing that her man did that to her? Bruises on a woman’s body only bespeak violence. All I’m saying is; no form of battering should be considered acceptable.

 

Demeaning cultures: Chinese foot binding

chinese foot binding 2

When I look at the world we live in today, of the things I appreciate most is the fact that women are more independent and empowered; unlike in past eras where a woman’s worth was solely determined by the type of man she could attract.

Sometimes when I look at some cultural practices I totally fail to see their relevance, because if one was to look at the reasons why such practices are carried out, it’s mainly to please men; foot binding for instance.

It’s a Chinese practice that was outlawed around 1912. According to Wikipedia, foot binding, also known as ‘Lotus feet’ is the custom of applying painfully tight binding to the feet of young girls between ages 4 and 9 to prevent further growth. I wasn’t aware of such a practice until yesterday, when on CNN I saw this elderly woman, who’s one of the few remaining survivors of the out-dated practice.

Her toes were folded in what appeared to be a deformity and as she talked to CNN correspondent, Kristie Lu Stout, she told her it was an ancient tradition practiced by Chinese women and one of the reasons it was encouraged was because it ensured women would always be dependent on their husbands.

Curious, I went online to find out more about foot binding, and I must admit, I cringed as I read in-depth accounts of how the practice was carried out: first each foot would be soaked in a warm mixture of herbs and animal blood; this was intended to soften the foot and aid the binding. Then the toenails were cut back as far as possible to prevent in-growth and subsequent infections, since the toes were to be pressed tightly into the sole of the foot.

Cotton bandages were prepared by soaking them into the blood and herb mixture. To enable the size of the feet to be reduced, the toes on each foot were curled under then pressed with great force downwards and squeezed into the sole of the foot until the toes broke.

The broken toes were held tightly against the sole of the foot while the foot was then drawn down straight with the leg and the arch forcibly broken down. The bandages were repeatedly wound in a figure-eight movement, starting at the inside of the foot at the inside of the foot, and around the heel, the freshly broken toes being pressed tightly into the sole of the foot.

At each pass around the foot, the binding cloth was tightened, pulling the ball of the foot and the heel together, causing the broken foot to fold at the arch, and pressing the toes underneath. The girl’s broken feet required a great deal of regular care and attention.

The most common problem with bound feet was infection. Despite the regular care, toenails would in-grow becoming infected and causing injuries to the toes. Sometimes, for this reason, the girl’s toenails would be peeled back and removed altogether.

The tightness of the binding meant that the circulation was cut off, and as a result injuries to the toes were unlikely to heal and were likely to worsen gradually leading to infected toes and rotting flesh. If the infection got to the bones, they would soften and eventually some toes would fall off. This, however, was seen as a benefit because the feet could be bound even more tightly. Girls whose toes were fleshier would have shards of glass or sharp tiles inserted to deliberately cause injury.

Disease inevitably followed infection, meaning that death from septic shock could result from foot-binding, and a surviving girl was more at risk of health problems as she grew older. Older women on the other hand were more likely to break hips and other bones in falls since they could not balance securely on their feet and were unable to rise from sitting positions.

In Chinese culture, bound feet were considered erotic and a woman with perfect lotus feet was likely to make a more prestigious marriage. Qing Dynasty sex manuals listed 48 different ways of playing with women’s bound feet.

pair of red lotus

Sadly, men preferred never to see a woman’s unbound feet, so they were always concealed within tiny three-inch ‘lotus shoes’ and wrappings. They understood that the symbolic erotic fantasy of bound feet didn’t correspond to its unpleasant physical reality. The fact that the bound feet were concealed from men’s eyes was considered sexually appealing, because an uncovered foot would also give foul odour as various microorganisms would colonize the unwashable folds.

A feature of a woman with bound feet was the limitation of her mobility, and therefore her inability to take part in politics and an active social life. Bound feet rendered women dependent on men and became an alluring symbol of chastity and male ownership, since a woman was largely restricted to her home and couldn’t venture far without an escort.

chinese foot binding

As I read this all I saw was excruciating pain, and I kept asking, was it really worth it? The Chinese women went through intense pain and sometimes succumbing to the resulting diseases just to fulfil some male fantasy. What did they gain from having their feet bound? In my opinion, nothing really! In any case, it robbed them off their freedom, making them just property, that men could lay claim to.

They were left taking care of self-inflicted deformities, and all for what? Just to impress men, who didn’t even want to see their bound feet, because they knew behind the beautiful lotus façades lay smelly wounds and deformed feet. Honestly, I’m so glad the practice was outlawed, because women shouldn’t live at the mercy of men.

When I think of such practices, I feel girls/women should be educated; because I have a feeling such demeaning practices would be mainly attributed to illiteracy on their part. It’s the only sound reason why loving mothers would put their daughters through such agonizing pain just so they could be eligible for marriage.