Tag Archives: wife battering

Because she is a woman

gender inequality

I’ve often wondered, what it is about a woman that makes her prone to trouble; just how many undesirable things has a woman gone through and the only excuse given for her woes is, “she’s a woman”…

The other day, when I was leaving class, a friend called me. Apparently she and another guy were involved in a heated debate on the appropriateness of wife battery. My friend, a girl, was of the opinion that it is unlawful and generally unacceptable for a man to hit a woman while the guy thought it was completely alright to lay a hand on her, in the name of ‘discipline’.

“What’s up?” I asked her when I got to them.

“He thinks it’s ok to hit a woman,” she replied, “What’s your take on the matter?”

First I was taken aback. The guy, from my observation, is slightly younger than me. So that thought alone had me perplexed, because some hopeful part of me had imagined wife beaters only exist in the older generations. Somehow, I had let myself believe young people would automatically be anti-battering. Well, shock on me!

“You think it’s ok to hit a woman?” I asked, forehead creased, in utter disbelief.

“Yeah,” he replied casually, seemingly unperturbed.

“Why?” I probed.

He lifted one shoulder in a shrug, his lips curved in a sheepish grin, “Because my culture allows it.”

“Don’t you think that’s an archaic excuse?” I asked. “Aren’t we too civilized to be citing such reasons for such out-dated practices? You know you don’t have to do, or even agree with everything your forefathers did. If something is wrong you change it. If we, as the younger generation don’t do that, then we risk perpetuating things that are basically wrong.”

“But I don’t see anything wrong with that,” he argued.

“Why do you feel it’s ok?”

“Because she’s a woman. Sometimes it is ok to hit them, just to discipline them.”

Whaaaat? I couldn’t believe I was having that conversation with someone who was roughly twenty or only slightly older. Normally that would be a conversation I would imagine having with some much older guy. “What do you mean, discipline them?”

“You know, if she does something wrong and you hit her she won’t repeat it next time.”

“That’s what you think?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, in that case, it depends with the woman in question. Because if you hit me, that would be a Pandora’s Box you’d be opening.” At that point I felt lost for words. This guy, in my opinion, was ignorant and so obstinate; he wasn’t ready to have anyone alter his perception. “You do not treat a woman like a child. Once someone reaches a certain age, they require to be accorded some respect.”

“But sometimes women are just stubborn,” he argued.

“Hypothetically, you’re married and your wife finds out you’ve been cheating on her. In anger she slaps you hard across your face. Would that be ok?”

“No!” He barked determinedly.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because it’s not acceptable for a woman to hit a man.”

“Those are double standards. If you told me it was ok, then maybe I would have also seen the wisdom in your words; that it’s ok for a man to hit a woman. But as long as you hold those double standards, I will not agree with you on the matter.”

Then it hit me, that maybe if he were to look at it from a different perspective he could see things differently.

“If, say you have a daughter, and when she’s of age she gets married to some guy. Then one day she comes and tells you, ‘daddy, my husband hit me’. How would you feel?”

“It would depend on why he beat her. If it was a valid reason I wouldn’t have a problem with it.”
At that point I knew I couldn’t argue him with him anymore. He would have to see someone he loved or cared for being beaten to understand the magnitude of the matter. “Have you ever interacted one on one with someone who has been battered?” I asked him.

“No,” he replied.

“It’s not as pleasant as you make it sound. God willing, when you have, let me know what you think.” And with that I wished them a good day and walked away.

Wife battering; a sign of love?

battered women

Is there any woman out there who gets battered by her husband/partner and is under the impression the reason he does it is because he loves her? The other day I was listening to this very odd conversation on the radio, where some women were contentedly saying that they do get beaten by their husbands because they love them; what’s more, they said they would totally freak out if their husbands stopped battering them because that would mean they don’t love them anymore and are cheating on them.

I’m not really a relationship guru but isn’t it the other way round? In my opinion, a man doesn’t beat the woman he loves; in any case, he will start beating the one he has when he finds another one who he desires to please and finds his wife/partner a hindrance.

I’m not saying this because I’m married, but because I’ve seen dad act violently towards mom and there is no part of me that’s convinced he did it because of all the love he has in his heart for her. I have never had any evidence of dad cheating on mom, but I remember when I was a kid, some women who were mom’s friends at the time kept telling her the reason he stayed out so late was because he was seeing other women.

I can’t say if it was true or false, but I remember the time those rumours were going round, was when he was so violent. It couldn’t have been a coincidence. From my own understanding of love, one doesn’t hurt a person they love.

We interpret different actions differently, but one thing I have difficulty wrapping my head around is the idea of being beaten by a guy as a sign of love. As a result of the domestic violence I’ve witnessed in my family, I feel I would walk out of a relationship the instant I sense the guy I’m with has violent tendencies.

What people need to understand is the fact that domestic violence (because that is what it is) doesn’t just affect the parents but the children too. A woman might interpret battering as a sign of love but the children interpret it pretty badly.

Once, my aunt told mom, she was so furious with my cousin and as a result she slapped her hard. My cousin’s daughter, who was watching got so annoyed and started hitting her-my aunt-with her tiny flip-flop, asking her to stop hurting her mom.

From the way I understood it, my cousin, who lives in her mom’s house together with her daughter had been coming home late when everyone else was asleep. Her mom tried talking to her about it before, but apparently she wouldn’t listen.

Furious that my cousin wasn’t behaving right, my aunt slapped her. From that, one would reason she was doing what was right for both her daughter and her granddaughter. The four year old girl however, felt her mom was being hurt and went to defend her.

My aunt justifiably did that for love, but did the little girl interpret it as love? That is the same way I feel about men beating their wives. Maybe they feel they have all the reasons in the world to do it, but I don’t interpret it that way. When a man decides to hit a woman, it never comes out as love; at least not to me. And I believe any man who truly loves his wife would totally back me up on this one.

Hitting doesn’t signify love. It’s just one way of demeaning women. The way I see it, under no circumstances should a woman feel her man hit her because he loves her. It just doesn’t make sense.

Lately when I go to get my hair done, there’s this lady I see. She’s a beautiful woman, who runs her own salon nearby. Everytime I see her she’s always in dark sunglasses, even when it’s not sunny. Last Sunday though, I saw her without them on and she had a huge black eye. Based on what I heard from some chatty hairdressers, she was beaten by her husband. No one can convince me that was love.

How does a man who claims to love his woman give her a black eye? An evident sign of battering. This is just one example of battered women; I have atleast a dozen of them, and none of them convinces me wife battering is a sign of love.

If battering was a sign of love, why would victims try to conceal scars under layers of makeup, with some saying they fell in the shower or they ran into a door…etc.? Last I checked, when a woman receives flowers from a guy she loves, she proudly shows them off to friends.

Honestly, if a girlfriend walked up to me and proudly showed me some finger imprints on her cheek where her man hit her, I would be tempted to think she is into BDSM or something of the sought (which is an entirely different thing).

Is there any woman who would honestly want to walk around with a bruised face, or scars hidden under layers of clothing, knowing that her man did that to her? Bruises on a woman’s body only bespeak violence. All I’m saying is; no form of battering should be considered acceptable.