Tag Archives: texts

Creating space

Some months ago I wrote a post, saying how much difficulty I had experienced deleting some texts I’d exchanged with a guy I was seriously into. Well, finally- I’m glad to say- my thumb bowed to the pressure; it finally coordinated with my heart and brain. I took my phone and deleted the whole thread. It’s nothing really, but I feel like a little heroine. For the past year I couldn’t master the courage to let go.  Everytime I decided to delete them I’d go weak, so I’d let them stay for a little longer. The ‘little longer’ graduated to a whole year.

As I mentioned, this week I’m turning a year older and the last time I had a decent conversation with that guy was a year ago, on my birthday when he was wishing me a happy birthday. I figured, if twelve months have gone by without talking, then there’s no point holding on to a relationship that died eons ago.

I’m thinking I found trouble letting go because our relationship-or the semblance of it-didn’t die a sudden death; it was the slow fade kind. We stopped talking every morning, lunch and at night, then everyday and before we realized what was happening, we weren’t talking at all. We only meet on FB, but I don’t take such relationships seriously. We’re just acquaintances on FB, nothing serious.

I almost started reading the texts before deleting them but when I read the last one, then the penultimate one, I started feeling like I was being pulled back into the past. That’s what texts do. They remind one of the exact state they were in when they first received/sent them. Me and him were in a happy place-our very own utopia- when we texted back then; I couldn’t risk getting sucked in, so I decided I wouldn’t read them.

I just scrolled through, without reading them all, and just like that, I hit ‘delete’. For a few minutes, I did feel like a winner; I finally found the strength to let go. Before deciding I wanted to delete them, I remembered this saying, ‘You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest, that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.’  I needed to create space. Those texts, as lovely as they were, were only taking up unnecessary space in my life.

This year I’ve had a very boring love life. I’m not even sure it was boring; it just didn’t exist. I’m thinking, either cupid was sleeping on the job, or… I wasn’t playing my part. Then again, how does one chase love? Last I checked, love is like a butterfly; if you chase it, it will keep drifting further and further, but if you give it ‘space’, it will come to you freely. Guess I opted for the latter.

Now I don’t just have free space on my phone memory, but in my life too. The texts went with them, the attachment that hindered me from moving on. Well I guess now, it’s time to focus my gaze on the horizon; limitless possibilities.

Avoiding the inevitable

broken hearts

Sometimes when I’m watching a movie, I see a couple looking so disconnected.  For instance, a guy will close his eyes, savouring the feel of his girlfriend’s luscious lips against his, whereas on the other hand the girl will be rolling her eyes impatiently, wondering when the guy will release her. In another scene, there will be a girl telling a guy how much she loves him, but the guy will only shrug, unable to reciprocate because deep down he knows he’s only toying with the girl and will flee the instant another charming lady shows up.

During such moments I wonder, doesn’t he/she feel his/her guy’s reluctance? But then I remember; I’ve been in similar situations; feeling the guy slipping from me, but I hold on obstinately because I’m afraid of admitting what is right in front of me; that the halcyon days are long gone. That the lurking pain is inevitable; that it’s over.

One feels the pain creeping in slowly, but because s/he dreads it, she puts up with him; settles for whatever little pieces of him she can get, even when she feels it’s not enough; just because she’s afraid to let go.

From the relationships I’ve been in, I realized, when the daily good morning, good afternoon and goodnight texts reduce to a single text per day or none at all; when texts go unanswered for hours, when initially a minute wouldn’t go by without reading the reply (when it would come in right after, you would wonder if they had texted it in advance) this are signs of the end.

When he doesn’t say ‘I love you’ with so much enthusiasm like he used to before, you even feel like you’re forcing it out of him, it is time to let go because the looming pain is inevitable.

It’s better to let go and deal with the pain than hold on to a lifeless relationship, which will sink you into unfathomable pain and frustration.