Tag Archives: self-esteem

The problem with love

cheating men

Loving the wrong person can make someone hate love, and even feel like they are worthless. There’s this show I was watching: a beautiful woman falls in love with a rich guy who’s practically a brat in every sense of the word. He has a personal servant, who tags along wherever he goes, to perform petty tasks like lighting fire at night when he takes his girlfriend camping; saddling his horse, because his family owns the biggest ranch in that town; carry picnic baskets.

The rich guy can barely handle a horse, yet he arrogantly challenges his servant, who is a rodeo champion, to a race; just to show off. Backstage, he has another one of his men threaten the servant so he can deliberately lose the race. According to them, a servant shouldn’t outshine their master.

Because of his inflated ego, he beats his naïve girlfriend whenever the opportunity presents itself, reminding her he’s the one who feeds her family as her parents work in his ranch, which is actually owned by his grandmother.

His idea of impressing girls is going on and on for hours about how much his family owns; and that the girl who marries him will be lucky because she will be the queen of that ranch when it’s finally bequeathed to him, even though he is second in line, after his equally arrogant dad.

When he is not too busy bragging about his family’s wealth, he is a reckless drunk, who sleeps with just about anyone in a skirt. All this happens while he still feigns faithfulness to his girlfriend, who is completely oblivious to his sexual shenanigans.

Unluckily, he sleeps with one of the housemaids, who is only too eager to share her erotic experience with the boss, with the rest of the maids. While the maid is giving details of what the boss did to her, the girlfriend walks in and gets to hear everything because the maid doesn’t see her approaching from behind.

Obviously the girlfriend gets all worked up and confronts the boyfriend. In the heat of the moment she slaps him hard across his face, accusing him of cheating on her. The unapologetic boyfriend asks her to get out of his sight, and as she leaves, all the fury turns into pain and she starts sobbing. All this while, as the confrontation is going down, the servant is watching because he was talking with the boss when the girlfriend walked in.

The servant is a caring guy, and hates the way his boss treats women; and his girlfriend in particular. The boss leaves for the city, leaving a distraught girlfriend behind. Enraged, she threatens to commit suicide, citing low self-worth. Her jerk of a boyfriend was apparently the best thing that ever happened to her and now that she doesn’t have him, she doesn’t desire to continue living.

I watch painfully as she cries uncontrollably, asking what’s wrong with her; why men seem to trivialize her that way. The caring servant consoles her, asking her not to give up on life just because she ran into a hurdle. He tells her not to take her own life because life has so much to offer still.

By the time the show ends, the girl is still attempting to commit suicide. The servant forcefully carries her on his shoulder, taking her to his house so he can keep a close look on her. She only calms down when she comes down with a fever after staying out in the cold for too long.

The girl is obviously crushed, that her boyfriend cheated on her. I would feel the same way too if I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me. What I couldn’t agree with was the idea of her threatening to take her own life because now her life has lost meaning.

For starters, the servant she was with is a really nice guy. He is not wealthy, but his girlfriend would be a very lucky woman. The reason he, on the other hand, is single is because he feels he is so poor, he wouldn’t have anything to offer a woman.

As I watch the two, I can’t help wondering; if they were to become an item, they would make an amazing couple. The girl likes the guy, only as a friend, so I have a feeling she wouldn’t mind dating him, and the guy would in turn treat her like a queen with the little he has. Both would have the best of love.

The woman feels inadequate because she dates the wrong men, who make her feel worthless. If she dated the right guy, like the servant, who unlike the rich, bratty boss, is humble and caring, she wouldn’t feel so worthless because he would treat her right.

Sometimes we love the wrong people and end up hurting. As a result we hate love and feel worthless. If one is in a relationship where they feel unhappy, they should ‘step out’ of the relationship, and weigh things from a third person’s perspective. By doing that, one might end up realizing they are not the ones with the problem but their partners.

Like the girl; she would notice the problem is she loves and trusts a guy who doesn’t deserve her. He beats her, cheats on her, and she still manages to feel like she is the one at fault; and while she is going through all that heartbreak, he is in the city saying “I love you baibe,” to a woman he just met. She should say good riddance and find a guy who will love her right, and treat her like the queen she is.

 

Sometimes it’s ok to hurt people

In relationships, there’s that person who will take on the martyr role. Apologizing for their partner’s mistakes, being the one who’s more understanding because they’re afraid if they tell their partner the truth their partner will ditch them or get majorly offended. But now, from my own experience I’ve learned, sometimes it’s ok to hurt people. Not in a malicious way, but to offend because one knows it’s only by hurting the other person that they’ll be able to move on. Sometimes it’s necessary.

There’s a time I’d approach relationships with the ‘I’d rather be the one who gets hurt than the one who hurts’ mentality, but what did that teach me? That sometimes there comes a person who doesn’t have your best interests at heart and they’ll kick you down so hard that it will take all of your strength to pick yourself up.

There’s this guy I was seeing. Every now and then he would mention how he felt inadequate because he wasn’t making much money. He always gave me the impression he thought I was high maintenance. Funny thing is I never even asked for anything from him. My extended family has always made money seem like a very big issue and that made my sisters and I grow feeling disadvantaged. From that I learned to never put anyone in that awful situation. He was no exception. I fathomed it was his own insecurities that made him feel inadequate.

He would often ask what someone like me saw in someone like him and I’d have to repeat the ‘it’s the heart that matters’ conversation, telling him what I found attractive about him…and that would quell his doubts…until the next time. It was getting old. At some point I started reflecting on where I expected that relationship to head. To my dismay, I realized I didn’t really love him. I was always happy telling my girlfriends about him, but I wasn’t in love with him. I was only in love with the idea of being in love.

I wanted to break up with him on so many occasions, but I’d pity him, afraid I would break his heart; I was afraid he would think I was breaking up with him because he wasn’t loaded. Whenever he did something wrong and I pointed it out he would deflect it, blaming it on me. He would play the needy, spoiled brat, taking me on unnecessary guilt trips. It was exhausting. But whenever I thought of breaking it off, the nagging thought would surface, hindering me from freeing myself from the strenuous relationship.

I was certain I didn’t want to be in that relationship, but the fear of hurting him would keep me going. Six months down the line, a part of me wanted it to work because I was getting attached to him. You know, the ‘can’t-live-without-him when apart and can’t-live-with him when together’ phase.

There were things about him I genuinely liked that gave me hope that maybe it could work, even though I knew at the time I wasn’t particularly in love with him. I didn’t envision a future with him but somehow the fear of hurting him made me stay.

One day, he just went MIA. Couldn’t reach him on phone and since it was a long distance relationship there wasn’t much I could do to track him down at the time. I knew I didn’t love him but it hurt an awful lot. I had thought it would be easier if he was the one who broke up with me first so that way I wouldn’t be the one dishing the pain, but I realized I was wrong. He didn’t even have the guts to break up with me appropriately. He just switched his phone off and assumed I would get the drift.

That made me question my resolve; did I really want to be the one left hurting because I was afraid of hurting someone else? Had I left when I contemplated it, I would have saved myself so much anguish. Chances are I would have hurt him, but since my instincts had forewarned me it wasn’t going to work, I figured I should just have left. I was afraid I would hurt him, but when he decided to leave he just did it like a coward; creeping out, paying little attention to how I’d feel.

I learned, sometimes we may have other people’s interests at heart, but it turns out not everyone is kind. For that reason, if one is in a relationship or a situation where they feel they’ll hurt someone if they followed their hearts; it may sound selfish but sometimes it’s better to hurt that person and get out of the mess when it’s still early because if prolonged, the situation could mutate into something so painful that will leave one grappling with sanity; because sometimes the sacrifice isn’t worth it.