Tag Archives: relationship

Women are their Own Worst Enemies

A couple of years ago I went for mass on a Saturday evening, and while I don’t remember much about that mass, two things stuck in my mind: the priest who celebrated that mass, and what he said. The reason I remember that priest, is because a few months after that Saturday, he got kicked out of priesthood by the Pope because of involving himself in some very shady business.

That notwithstanding, I remember the theme of his sermon that evening, because though his personal conduct said otherwise, his words made so much sense. “The Holy Spirit speaks to each one of us,” he’d said. “The only difference is, not all of us choose to listen”.

“Today is Saturday, yet you’re here, when you could be out there doing something else, like watching a game or relaxing after a busy week. Why did you come to church?” He’d asked.

He went on to explain how God talks to every one of us. “That nagging voice in your head telling you not to do something because it’s wrong…or the persistent voice telling you do to something because it’s the right thing, however hesitant you feel about it? That’s God talking to you, through your conscience. Difference is, some of us choose to ignore that voice”.

As he continued talking, I realized how right he was. I hear that voice too, and while sometimes I listen, sometimes I don’t. Lately I have been thinking an awful lot about that. This rumination has been brought on by an unpleasant encounter my big sister has had with one of her former lecturers.

Three years ago, my sister graduated with a Masters degree, then this year she decided to further her studies and she went on to identify the university she wanted to do her Doctor of Philosophy (PhD) studies in. One of the application requirements is that two referees submit letters of recommendation in her favour.

Given how active she was in school, it didn’t take her long to identify her two referees. She talked to both of them, and they were glad to write her the recommendation. As procedure demands, she went on to submit the names of her two referees, and the university sent them the submission links.

However, something interesting happened. Of the two lecturers, one of them ‘got cold feet’, and decided to bail on my sister. We’ve tried coming up with some rational explanations as to why she’d bail last minute, but we haven’t been able to come up with anything reasonable.

Maybe I’m wrong, but I’m attributing her hesitance to one unsightly reason; jealousy. See this lecturer is a doctor (PhD) herself, and up until recently, she was so fond of my sister. She even referred to her with very sweet endearments. She came off as motherly.

She always told my sister how smart she was, then this one time she found my sister in class reading and she was like, “I wish my children read as much as you do”. My sister was one of her favourite students. Then going by the date the other referee rung my sis confirming he’d received the link from the University, this one turned hostile.

Firstly, she never called to confirm she had received the link; and secondly, when my sis called to ask about it a few days later because the submission deadline was fast approaching, she said she had not received the link and she frostily asked my sis to stop nagging her.

My guess is, it had not occurred to her what university my sister was applying to, but when she received a link from the acclaimed prestigious university, it dawned on her that my sister wouldn’t just be getting her PhD from any local university, but from an internationally renowned institution. Like I said before, maybe I’m wrong, and it’s just my mind working overtime.

Frustrated, my sis sought further directions from the University and they said they don’t resend links, but they kindly gave her an alternative email address where the letter of recommendation can be sent. Subsequently, she texted the lecturer, asking if it was ok to call because she figured the lecturer could be having a class. Obviously, the lecturer did not reply.

Later in the evening, my sis called her, hoping she would pick up at least. She did. Nonetheless, she only shouted icily, “I’m in class!” And that was the end of it. Now my sis is stranded… Time’s ticking…every item on the application list has been checked, except that lecturer’s recommendation letter. Worse still, now we’re worried what kind of recommendation she would make, given how she seems to abhor my sister; for reasons best known to her.

This had me thinking… it is true what people say, “Women are their own worst enemies”. The way I see it, this lecturer would have been so ready to write a letter of recommendation if it was not being addressed to some fancy institution. However, it appears she just can’t stand the thought of someone else going to possibly a better institution than she did, and to get a PhD, like her.

Furthermore, this has me wondering whether her conscience is ok with what she is doing. Is she suppressing that inner voice telling her what she’s doing to my sister is wrong? When my sister called, why didn’t she call back later if she knew she was genuinely held up? If she really is telling the truth about not having received the link, wouldn’t she be the one asking my sister for alternatives if she really wanted to help?

From a lawyer’s perspective, her actions are screaming, ‘Consciousness of guilt!’ That’s a concept in criminal law where, someone runs when they see police officers even if the officers are not necessarily after them because deep down they know they are doing something unlawful, so they might get arrested. It is tacit self-incrimination.

There’s that saying, “A candle does not lose its light by lighting another candle”. I couldn’t agree more. We don’t lose anything by helping others.


threesome fantasy

Back in high school, I used to joke with my best friend, who happened to be my deskmate a lot. She thought I was nuts. When girls were busy scribbling love letters on weekends- Saturdays especially- so that our altar boys, who came from the neighbouring boy school could take them to the respective recipients after Sunday mass, I would just watch…fascinated by the whole shebang; it was really interesting…the trouble my friends went through to perfect those letters; those who were not confident about their handwriting would ask those with pretty ones to write down the letters for them…and the calligraphed envelopes? Beautiful they were…

“I fell in love at a very young age”, I would tell my best friend. “Guess that’s why I’m not interested in this things anymore”…amused by my utterances, she would burst into a loud laughter.

“You’re crazy, you know that?” She would ask after regaining her composure. I was being honest; I had already met the love of my life, when I was eight- my childhood sweetheart, who I still loved with all of my heart. At the time I never thought it would be possible to love anyone else as much as I did him. The mere thought of me crushing on any other guy other than him felt like I was cheating on him…

I realized when the heart loves, it is almost impossible to yank that person out…it just fades with time. He had my heart with him; I had nothing to offer anyone else…

Everytime I’m talking about my love life, my mind takes me back in time, when I was eight; that is when I discovered romantic love…

Long before I fell in love with my sweetheart, there were two boys in my class that I liked. I don’t know what drew me to them, maybe it was their wits; they always took first and second positions interchangeably; if one came top in our class, the other would come second. I liked them both equally, because I couldn’t pick who was best between them.

Every so often I would find myself in a conundrum; I would have to choose one eventually. That felt stressful; I couldn’t picture my life without either of them. So at my tender age, I made up my mind; I wouldn’t choose.

When we were all grown up, living away from our parents, I would marry them both. The three of us would move into one house. I envisioned our life together in years to come… we would sleep on one bed, with me in the middle… (I was so serious then, but now as I think about I find it insanely hilarious; I must have been a nascent polyandrist).

Then, I didn’t know much about ‘the big S’… my thoughts were just an innocent fantasy of a small girl crushing on two boys; but in today’s world, simply put, that would have been my threesome fantasy. I must have been really into them, because I even envisaged my two guys and I working in one office together when we were all grown up.

I saw us sitted in a beautiful office located on one of the top storeys of a skyscraper (that was my dad’s office I had in mind) with books stacked neatly on shelves, computers on each one of our desks, files piled in a tray on the corner of each desk…the beautiful sunrays streaming in through the big window.

I must have watched too much TV because in that office setting, I pictured myself in a pink suit- short skirt and a matching coat- sitted on one of the desks with my legs crossed seductively, with my two boys ogling… my threesome fantasy (sigh).