Tag Archives: BDSM

Wife battering; a sign of love?

battered women

Is there any woman out there who gets battered by her husband/partner and is under the impression the reason he does it is because he loves her? The other day I was listening to this very odd conversation on the radio, where some women were contentedly saying that they do get beaten by their husbands because they love them; what’s more, they said they would totally freak out if their husbands stopped battering them because that would mean they don’t love them anymore and are cheating on them.

I’m not really a relationship guru but isn’t it the other way round? In my opinion, a man doesn’t beat the woman he loves; in any case, he will start beating the one he has when he finds another one who he desires to please and finds his wife/partner a hindrance.

I’m not saying this because I’m married, but because I’ve seen dad act violently towards mom and there is no part of me that’s convinced he did it because of all the love he has in his heart for her. I have never had any evidence of dad cheating on mom, but I remember when I was a kid, some women who were mom’s friends at the time kept telling her the reason he stayed out so late was because he was seeing other women.

I can’t say if it was true or false, but I remember the time those rumours were going round, was when he was so violent. It couldn’t have been a coincidence. From my own understanding of love, one doesn’t hurt a person they love.

We interpret different actions differently, but one thing I have difficulty wrapping my head around is the idea of being beaten by a guy as a sign of love. As a result of the domestic violence I’ve witnessed in my family, I feel I would walk out of a relationship the instant I sense the guy I’m with has violent tendencies.

What people need to understand is the fact that domestic violence (because that is what it is) doesn’t just affect the parents but the children too. A woman might interpret battering as a sign of love but the children interpret it pretty badly.

Once, my aunt told mom, she was so furious with my cousin and as a result she slapped her hard. My cousin’s daughter, who was watching got so annoyed and started hitting her-my aunt-with her tiny flip-flop, asking her to stop hurting her mom.

From the way I understood it, my cousin, who lives in her mom’s house together with her daughter had been coming home late when everyone else was asleep. Her mom tried talking to her about it before, but apparently she wouldn’t listen.

Furious that my cousin wasn’t behaving right, my aunt slapped her. From that, one would reason she was doing what was right for both her daughter and her granddaughter. The four year old girl however, felt her mom was being hurt and went to defend her.

My aunt justifiably did that for love, but did the little girl interpret it as love? That is the same way I feel about men beating their wives. Maybe they feel they have all the reasons in the world to do it, but I don’t interpret it that way. When a man decides to hit a woman, it never comes out as love; at least not to me. And I believe any man who truly loves his wife would totally back me up on this one.

Hitting doesn’t signify love. It’s just one way of demeaning women. The way I see it, under no circumstances should a woman feel her man hit her because he loves her. It just doesn’t make sense.

Lately when I go to get my hair done, there’s this lady I see. She’s a beautiful woman, who runs her own salon nearby. Everytime I see her she’s always in dark sunglasses, even when it’s not sunny. Last Sunday though, I saw her without them on and she had a huge black eye. Based on what I heard from some chatty hairdressers, she was beaten by her husband. No one can convince me that was love.

How does a man who claims to love his woman give her a black eye? An evident sign of battering. This is just one example of battered women; I have atleast a dozen of them, and none of them convinces me wife battering is a sign of love.

If battering was a sign of love, why would victims try to conceal scars under layers of makeup, with some saying they fell in the shower or they ran into a door…etc.? Last I checked, when a woman receives flowers from a guy she loves, she proudly shows them off to friends.

Honestly, if a girlfriend walked up to me and proudly showed me some finger imprints on her cheek where her man hit her, I would be tempted to think she is into BDSM or something of the sought (which is an entirely different thing).

Is there any woman who would honestly want to walk around with a bruised face, or scars hidden under layers of clothing, knowing that her man did that to her? Bruises on a woman’s body only bespeak violence. All I’m saying is; no form of battering should be considered acceptable.

 

My take: Fifty Shades Trilogy

fifty shades

Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker, Fifty Shades Freed….this story was everything I hoped it would be. E.L. James didn’t disappoint.

It’s been a long while since I last watched/read something so intriguing that left me feeling like an addict. The last time I felt this stimulated was a couple of months ago when I watched The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn; Edward Cullen and Bella’s love scenes were so intense; I realized something was missing in my life. I felt like the two were rubbing it in my face I was single and lonely.

As I read about Christian and Ana, I couldn’t help feeling like I was still watching The Twilight Saga. It wasn’t such a coincidence after all; apparently, E. L. James was inspired to write the Fifty Shades Trilogy by the Twilight Series.

One might wonder why I’m taking time to write about a book, which everyone else has written or said something about; why I would waste my time adding similar stuff to an already saturated web, but mine is not just the typical book review; I’m merely trying to see the reality in an amazing fictional story.

I must admit, when I first read Fifty Shades of Grey, I was a bit apprehensive; why would some naïve girl like Ana Steel consider the possibility of hooking up with someone as damaged as Christian Grey? Initially he didn’t want her because he liked her, he only thought she could make a perfect submissive. On the other hand, she was genuinely attracted to him; she even dared to dream about a romantic-hearts and flowers- relationship with him. I would normally refer to it as being over ambitious.

But then, that’s precisely why I got hooked into this trilogy. Ana dared to dream. She saw hope, where there was none. I reckoned if I was Ana, I would have made for the hills the instant Christian showed her the contract. The issue of butt plugs, karabiners, whips, canes…none of that seemed appealing to me. The ‘red room of pain’? I couldn’t stomach it. In my head, erotic experiences were supposed to be fun, not tearful. I hated it that Ana had blisters to nurse after their ‘kinky fuckery’.

As I neared the end of the first book, I couldn’t wait to finish it. I feared that if I read more of Christian I would hate him; but as I started with the second-Fifty Shades Darker- the story became an emotional roller-coaster. Sometimes I was too anxious; I’d never imagined a book could do that to someone.

The storyline sucked me in; I stopped seeing Christian as the sadist he claimed to be and Ana the naïve woman she was. Instead I started seeing to people who had mountains to get rid of before they could finally live the happily-ever-after. I saw a needy man, who was determined to risk his all, so he could keep the love of his life. He knew that by agreeing to let Ana into his life he would be practically turning his back on the only life he had known-being an all-time domineering, control freak.

I saw two people in love, who were willing to make whatever compromises to accommodate the other’s needs. By the time I finished with the second book, I was awed by Christian; only he could make BDSM seem appealing.

Generally, I loved the book, not for the steamy erotic moments-which I must admit were very many- but for their murky journey; the storm they weathered before the sun finally shone on them. It was all about sacrifices. Theirs wasn’t the ordinary love story; it was the epic triumph of love.

Basically, each person has that masochist in them; he/she might not come wielding floggers, leather crops and cuffs, but they inflict pain on others, or take pain inflicted on them stoically.

The novel has sought of given me something to make references to; I know it sounds crazy, but it’s only after reading such a captivating fictional story that I realized, if one truly loves someone, they will gladly sacrifice anything. I knew that already, but reading the story reminded me one can dream and actually live their dream.

Personally I hate caning; I have a history. Teachers in my primary school thought it was the most effective disciplinary measure. Only my palms were subjected to the stinging pain, but watching the boys receive their fair share on their bums gives me an inkling of what a painful experience it could be.

I’ve never considered pain as a possible way of affording me any pleasure; doesn’t matter if it’s caning, lie-on-lap-spanking (that, I deem demeaning on all levels)…anything that inflicts pain on me, I hate. Nonetheless, if I found someone who was willing to sacrifice something significant for me, maybe like Ana, I too would consider the possibility of enduring some pain…I would consider sacrificing something I treasure.

Love is all about making sacrifices.