The Love Thief: Part 3

At the time he was going through some financial constraints, which he hadn’t told me about, so he just pulled away abruptly without warning. For six whole months we did not talk or communicate in any way. I was still smarting over the response he had given me, and unbeknownst to me, he was dealing with financial issues (that he did not want me to know about). He did not reach out, and I did not either.

During our unofficial hiatus, I happened to watch the movie, ‘Not without my daughter’, starring Sally Field, and as anyone who’s watched it might expect, it scared me half to death. If that movie was anything to go by, there was so much to be afraid of, in relation to me forging out a path into the future with my Muslim guy. I missed him so much sometimes, but then the fear would dampen those feelings.

It was only months later (half a year to be precise), that he attempted to reach out to me, acting so casually, like he had never left. Subsequent to my inquiry, he told me he had taken some time off to deal with some financial issues. While I sympathised with him, I couldn’t understand how he had just deemed it wise to disappear without warning.

I tried to walk a mile in his shoes, and while I couldn’t excuse his behaviour, I oddly found myself still so drawn him. The embers of our affection were still burning. Nonetheless, I also noted with concern that my carefree attitude towards our religious differences, and the deep affection that made me feel we could conquer the world and be happy together, was all gone; and in its place was these intense anxiety.

‘He has no qualms marrying three more wives after we’re married’, I told myself. ‘And he will disappear again…’ These thoughts drained all my joy; and talking to the guy I once desired, became the bane of my existence. Every time he texted or called, I’d feel so nauseous, that I had to find a polite way to blow him off. All the excitement I’d once felt was gone.

Eventually, I realised I couldn’t keep dodging him, so I figured I had to be frank and tell him what was bugging me. I told him after analysing our situation, I did not have the emotional capacity to be more than friends with him, so we hit reset and went back to being friends. Just like with majority of my relationships, I was ecstatic when we broke up. I felt I could breathe again.

To date, three years later, we are still friends; and while he usually tries to convince me to be more than friends, I usually decline politely. Hard as I try, I cannot see beyond the anxiety I felt when I was with him; and that is usually the dilemma I face in relationships. Hardly do my interactions bloom into full-fledged love, because for some reason, I always feel too anxious to stay with someone.

Due to this overwhelming anxiety, I’m just learning to avoid relationships. The loneliness is overwhelming, but at the same time it affords me a reasonable amount of peace, since I don’t get to deal with issues which could trigger my anxiety.

Just two months ago, I reconnected with a friend. Since then we’ve been talking every day, and just for a short while, I actually felt alive. Since he runs a restaurant, we don’t talk much during the day, so we usually talk in the evening when he gets back home. Normally we talk from around 10pm until one of us says they’re sleepy. Because of this, I’ve been trying to clear my schedule for the day, so that by the time we start talking I won’t have any work pending.

This past Saturday we texted in the morning before he left for work, and we didn’t text again the whole day. I just assumed we’d talk again as usual in the evening when he got off work. By the time the clock was striking 10.00 o’clock, I was already full of anticipation, because I’ve really been enjoying his company.

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