sad2There’s this day I was on Facebook and, someone had posted on their wall: if you do things the same way you will always get the same results. So I thought to myself, if I want things to be different from how they were yesterday, I have to change a few things, starting from how I think to the way I handle stuff. Essentially, if you must know, my thinking has many holes-not literally but you do get the drift, right? I seem to be one of those unlucky heads who see the hole in the doughnut instead of the fleshy, yummy, mouth-watering part; one of those who view their glass as half empty as opposed to seeing it as half full.

In case you’re wondering how far this seemingly disastrous mentality has taken me, I would be more than glad to indulge you: I’ve missed out on great job opportunities because on most occasions I choose to look at the cons rather than the pros and as it is characteristic with all jobs, the cons kinda tip the scale- mostly- so in light of this, one has to be really open-minded and optimistic. Nevertheless, this (optimism) is an attribute I don’t seem to be in possession of. I can’t quite sum up the number of times I’ve had to calm my- poor- self down from panic attacks courtesy off this disastrous mentality.

On a good day, people see rain as a blessing; a water source; a wonderful opportunity to stay in (think weekends) and do some naughty stuff with your ‘you-know-who’ but I, on the contrary, perceive it as a loss of opportunities, for instance, going out skating with my friends, seeing as you can’t skate on wet ground for rather obvious reasons. More so, when I hear my grandma’s paying us a visit, I don’t jump up in joy like some very excited kitten, I get awfully depressed, thinking of the extra meals I’ll have to make… the nasty things I might have to excuse because her age sought of gives her a free pass to ‘misbehave’ whenever she deems it fit…ohh, the pain…

If you still don’t get the magnitude, here’s more: if/when I wake up to some divine aroma from the kitchen when my mom’s making us pancakes for breakfast (which hardly happens cuz she’s got an airtight schedule), I choose to hibernate in the bedroom wondering why she would wanna make pancakes in the morning when she could just have stayed in bed to catch up on some forty winks…to make up for the lost sleep. God, it hurts to be me! Worse still, when my dad’s home for the weekly visits, I don’t see quality family bonding time, I see the missed chances to dance around freely; think, when the cat’s away the mice will play…I see the TV programmes I’ll be forced to sacrifice when my old man starts running a show of his own…bickering and all. Did I mention the pain? Yes, the pain!

I can’t quite fathom why a person who’s been so blessed, like I am would have such a negative attitude towards life… sometimes I’m tempted to blame my mom for pampering us-mis dos hermanas ya mi- so much; She’s always provided us with most of the stuff we needed n’ still need. But that’s not a bad thing, is it? Anyway, you be the judge of that.

It’s like I’m still tagging on to my mom’s skirt, waiting for her to spoon-feed me. Maybe if she’d let us hustle a little bit we would’ve come out hard baked, like those beautiful porcelain cups… then again, maybe the stress would’ve heightened my negativity. I guess it’s just me; my way of thinking sucks big time…if I could, I would  swap brains with Sir Richard Branson or Mark Zuckerberg …just so I can see the world through their eyes. God, this is the part where I throw my gaze heaven-ward and shout in my head, “Father, I wanna be different. It’s not too late, you can still give me fresh thoughts, pure…untainted.”

Yesterday I worried about unimportant, pretty meaningless stuff…n’ the day before that… pretty much every day…so I get the same results… Ergo, I’ve decided to do things differently today…to not worry n’ think positively…then, just maybe, my constant run-ins with my dad will at least be halved, I’ll learn to appreciate my mom’s pancakes, when grandma decides to show up I’ll welcome her with a warm embrace, genuinely excited about her stay…I’ll look up job adverts in the papers and give ‘em a shot without being too picky.

People don’t change overnight, but because I wanna be different, I’ll do it… I’ll change! No more pessimism, no more listening to this dark, enshrouding thoughts that have had me locked up in my own negative world for the longest time now… I wanna be different! I wanna be an optimist!

I pulled this one out from one of my journals, from a few years back…


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